Despite what friends and family say about work and despite all my efforts to describe to them how hellish my workplace is, all I ever get is “get over it” or answers like “as soon as you step out of the building, put on a smile and forget everything that happened during the work day”. Well I wish it was as easy as that, I wish there was a “reset button” that automatically erases everything that went on during the day, I wish it was that easy, but I just can’t help it. I mean I have witnessed tons of humorous incidents, a fair share of pathetic and depressing events and I have this overwhelming fear that I will not be able to remember nor narrate those memorable episodes in the future.
I have been debating whether or not to document these past few months at – INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE -, whether it would get me into trouble in case my superiors ever discover blogs and/or blogging (very slight chance) but I got to a point where I really, sincerely and utterly do not give a tiny crap. So here I am, creating this new rubric, whose title I haven’t thought of yet (well it could be something like “work and shit”), entirely related and dedicated to fun, boring or appalling incidents at work. And as you will discover soon enough, the main attraction for this part will mainly be one person and one person only… (Cannot be named)
Moving on, I reckon this category needs a fair opening, therefore, I will not allow myself to narrate one particular event, but rather go all “Buzzfeed-y” and combine a list, a “How to recognize and deal with a Bully at work” list. Notice the usage of Bully with a capital B, this is done deliberately in order to emphasize the fact that this bully is actually someone who has some kind of authority over you.
- Intermittent Nervous Nice Syndrome (INNS): involves unpredictable episodes or experiences in conjunction with a physiological disturbance making the patient extremely and unpredictably nice.
Symptom: a Bully seems at first like the nicest person alive. When someone is TOO nice, there has to be a catch. One cannot be extremely nice except in the following two cases: 1) one is trying too hard and faking it 2) one is a nun/priest
Cure: beware of nice people; try not to reveal any personal information to them, you never know what they may or may not use against you.
- Transient Manic Lame-ass Disorder (TMLD): Involves intermittent, rapidly-changing episodes whose main phenomenological feature is a clinically significant extreme in lame jokes and attempts to make others laugh
Symptom: when the person in question constantly attempts joking and throwing lame punch lines at you, it’s definitely obvious they’re trying too hard. Lame people are easily spotted, they’re usually uncomfortable and are the only ones laughing at their jokes.
Cure: when your boss or superior is trying too hard to make jokes and show you that they can be funny too, always laugh along, no matter how lame the joke is. Try to perfect that fake laugh of yours and get ready to use it on a daily basis.
- Pervasive Antisocial Anger with Constipation (PAAC): PAAC is defined as involving deeply-rooted, ever-present thoughts and behavior compromised by an unhealthy urge to avoid being near human beings surrounding the perception of self, exacerbated by an uncomfortable and unnatural inability to defecate which makes the patient rather angry.
Symptom: usually Bullies are crangry (cranky + angry) most of the time.
Cure: Try to always be on their good side. Do not tempt them and avoid them whenever they’re infuriated, unless it’s you they’re pissed at.
- Persistent Bipolar Anticipation Disorder with Facial Tic (PBADWFT): PBADWFT is found in people with unstoppable, involuntary emotions and behaviors whose main phenomenological feature is unpredictably extreme mood responses worsened by fear of it occurring, worsened by involuntary facial muscle spasms.
Symptom: my Bully is bipolar. I’m guessing there are a few out there with similar disorders but I always hope for the best. How to spot a cranky, bipolar bully? Easy, if they go from point 2 to point 3 in a matter of minutes, then you are dealing with a classic case of PBADWFT.
Cure: I’m afraid there are no typical cures for this disease. Every case requires studies of its own and specific solutions. Usually, I try to avoid in point 3 and laugh along in point 2.
- Chronic Retarded Mood Syndrome with Delusions (CRMSWD): CRMSWD is found in people with ongoing, systemic and unstoppable surrounding clinically significant mental aptitude impairment during intense emotional experiences, exacerbated by fearful visual images.
Symptom: Bullies think they’re always right. Like all the time. When they’re convinced of something, there’s nothing anyone can ever say or do to change their minds. In some extreme cases, they’re even delusional.
Cure: do not ever refute anything they say, nod and agree, always nod and agree. Except in the case the Bully is accusing you, then defend yourself obviously.
Finally, huge thanks to N. for giving me inspiration and courage.